HELP ME I’M POOR

Okay not poor as in the deprived way, just poor as in the ‘those-hair-curlers-I’ve-wanted-for-a-year deprived’ way. Oh god, I’m a sentence in and I already sound a privileged biatch!

New title: HELP ME, I HAVE NO SPARE MONEY FOR LUXURIES

I feel like there's some issues that people just don't tell you about:

1. How women poo when giving birth

2. How brutal it is paying your overdraft back

Let’s save #1 for another day, and have a look at #2. I can’t believe what a walk in the park university was for me. Rent paid, check. No council tax, check. I didn’t get any bursaries, but my parentals (thanks ma and pa) gave me money for food every month. I worked 4 hours a week (A WEEK) at Primark for a little extra moolah. They knew not to ask if I wanted any overtime because the answer was always a resounding nope!

Me a la Uni

Even then, when I wanted a few more clothes I happily chipped into my overdraft and did a huge shopping spree at Primarni (so about £35). At the time I was like yay, free money and free clothes! When the time comes to pay this back, I’ll be happily in a £30,000 salary job and it’ll be no skin off my nose! YAY I’M AN IDIOT, WHAT AM I LIKE!

Fast forward a year, and here we are! The ruckus to get rent together every month, that crappy council tax, those bloomin’ bills! Food, travel money...EURGH. It’s April (edit: oh god it’s May) and my overdraft is due in November and I’m firmly shoving my head in the sand as I haven’t paid a smidge back yet! I also won the bad luck lottery with banking with Halifax, as they want it all back within one year. My smug Natwest-banking boyfriend is given three years, in £500 amounts at a time! Also, why does my student discount run out at the time I need it most? There needs to be post-university, welcome-to-the-real-world discounts!

Every month I break even and have zero chance to save. I’m working praaatically full time, but I’m also getting taxed as if I have three jobs, c’monnnn tax office, sort it out!

I haven’t been on a holiday in quite a few years and sometimes I just stop whatever I’m doing and think: I’d really love to be on a beach right now.

Anyhoo, here is a list of things that can help when you’re scrimping and (attempting) to save:

Firstly, congratulate yourself on how bohemian you are and how much you are rocking this penniless artist lifestyle. You’re living the hippy dream, yo!
Going through a chronic-broke stage is character building and something most people go through. You’re learning the value of money and how luxuries really are luxuries. You need this experience to lecture your future kids!
Yay, in a time when the internet and consumerism is indulging everyone’s materialistic side, you’re refusing to participate and learning self-discipline, kudos!

Okay now that we have comforted your drained spirit, let’s get practical:

Even if you’re massively scrimping, you can still afford little indulgences! It’s much better to plan little treats in your budget than to tell yourself you’re allowed absolutely nothing. It’s likely you’ll get so fed up than you will reassure yourself that you deserve that £30 foundation after all the hardship you’ve been through. It’s like dieting so excessively that at the end you give up and eat Macdonald’s every day. See what you can afford! Even if it’s a wee walk around the Poundshop, a nice £1 candle here, a £1 mug, a £1 nail varnish. I come back and look at my £3 splurge, and it’s nice that I feel just as happy with them as I did with a £25 make-up haul.
Make-up dupes are your best friend. This is no time for brand snobbery! I would love an Anastasia Dipbrow but I would prefer to eat for the next 5 days.
Temporarily unfollow/block those links that make you covet! As a rule, if you come off feeling worse than when you began your Instagram scroll, figure out what is make you feel rubbish and get rid!
Gyms are unnecessary for the broke gal. There’s too many free YouTube exercise vids to justify paying for it!
Try not to eat unhealthily because it’s cheap. This is one of the things wrong with the world! Plan meals, buy from markets, buy reduced and freeze, be savvy!
Sad about your lack of nights out? I quote Cat Deeley from SM:TV live when I say, deal with it! It’s a sad fact of life that these things have to be sacrificed at some point. Dry your tears when you see your facebook friends album full of cray cray adventures/road trips/ nightclub visits. Put on your onsie, get some chocolate, put on Spy Kids 3 and proudly toast yourself in the mirror with, ‘I’M AN ADULT’. It does help when you can skip around the next day trilling around the house as they weep with their hangovers. (They don’t get hangovers you say, who are these aliens?!?)